When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
