I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
