let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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