Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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