even my farts smell like vagina
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sext me about skeletons
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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