We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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