Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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