She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
