I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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