You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
