I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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