He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
try to milk me bitch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
