The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
