just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
