Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize