Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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