I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
