Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
