Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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