How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
