dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
