Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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