I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
In America we eat man semen.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Randomize
