omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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