Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
