he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
