I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
