I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
