I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
