i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
