Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
