Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
