I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
