All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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