i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
