it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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