FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
