You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The struggles of a small town man whore
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
