i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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