HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
