your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
