Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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