I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
