Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
