I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
