So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
