I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
