And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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