seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
too bad you live with your parents still
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
