P.S. I can't hear my feet
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
