I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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