Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
