Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
