Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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